The holiday season brings excitement, lights, family gatherings, and with that, a lot of changes. Routines that are normally predictable suddenly shift. Meals happen at different times, school schedules are interrupted, and new people come around and new places may be experienced.
For children with autism, this can feel overwhelming. Routines are often their comfort zone. Routines help them feel safe and help them to know what to expect. When that structure changes, anxiety, stress, and overwhelm are likely to be experienced.
That’s why flexibility is such an important skill.
But flexibility doesn’t mean expecting a child to suddenly “go with the flow.” And it definitely doesn’t mean changing who they are or pushing them to tolerate chaos without support. Flexibility means helping a child feel safe, confident, and prepared even when something unexpected happens.
Let’s consider the meaning of flexibility from a psychological perspective. Psychological flexibility (or simply, flexibility) refers to the ability to notice what you’re thinking and feeling in the moment, without becoming overwhelmed by those thoughts or emotions, and then choose actions that match your goals or values. Rather than getting “stuck” in one way of thinking, or becoming distressed when something unexpected happens, psychological flexibility allows a person to pause, assess the situation, and respond in a way that works rather than reacting automatically. In therapy, this skill is often strengthened by helping individuals tolerate discomfort, shift attention when needed, and recognize that multiple outcomes or solutions can exist. For children with autism, developing psychological flexibility might mean learning that change doesn’t equal danger, that a routine can look different and still feel safe, and that they have coping tools to navigate uncertainty.
There is a therapy approach called AIM: Accept, Identify, Move. This is a behavior analytic framework which incorporates mindfulness and constructs from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). AIM identifies the core processes that make up psychological flexibility. These include the following:
For children, parents and other important adults may have to help them navigate the AIM steps but they can learn to go through this process more independently over time.
In ABA therapy, flexibility is taught gently and intentionally. Instead of throwing a child into a brand-new or unpredictable situation, therapists introduce change gradually and celebrate every step forward.
For example, if a child always drinks from the green cup, we might start flexibility practice by offering a green cup with a different lid. Over time, we could introduce a blue cup. The goal isn’t to take away what feels safe; it’s to show the child that variations can still be comfortable and okay.
Visual supports are a big part of this process. When children know what to expect, they feel more in control. A visual schedule, a simple “First / Then” board, or pictures showing where the family is going can turn an unfamiliar situation into a predictable one.
Progress is reinforced; sometimes with praise, sometimes with a break, sometimes with a favorite activity. The message becomes: Trying something new leads to good things.
You don’t have to wait for therapy sessions to practice flexibility. Everyday routines offer lots of opportunities to build this skill in a way that feels safe and manageable.
Try adding tiny, low-pressure changes to familiar routines: sit in a different seat at the table, take a slightly different route on your walk, or put a favorite snack in a new container. Afterward, celebrate the effort; Even if it was challenging, recognize your child’s progress. Progress is progress even if it is a small change.
You can also help by previewing upcoming events. Show photos of the place you’re going. Drive by the location ahead of time. Talk through what will happen, and let your child know what will stay the same:
“We’re going to Grandma’s house. There will be new people there, but you can bring your favorite toy, and we will have a quiet break spot if you need it.”
If something changes last minute (as holiday plans often do), narrate the change with calm confidence:
“We were going to leave at 3:00, but now we’re leaving at 4:00. It’s okay; we still have time to play.”
Children with autism often benefit from predictability and knowing what is going to happen. However, predictability doesn’t always have to mean a rigid plan. Sometimes it can mean knowing that your parents are there with you with a steady, calm, and supportive way to help you get through the day.
Maybe your child tried a new food.
Maybe they walked into a new house.
Maybe they handled a schedule change without melting down.
Those moments are worth celebrating.
Flexibility isn’t about perfection; it’s about building confidence. Each new experience becomes a reference point for the next one. Children begin to learn, “I can handle this. Even if things change, I’m okay.”
Flexibility doesn’t change who your child is.
It simply gives them tools:
During a season full of surprises, flexibility helps kids participate more fully in joyful moments in ways that work best for them. Teaching your child flexibility helps your child to be able to experience the positive aspects of the holiday season. It helps support their relationships with others. It helps them to stay calm and regulated and avoid or at least minimize stress and anxiety. Teaching your child flexibility helps them and the whole family, too.
